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Showing posts from October, 2012

Mr. Ross Regrets

Hi there. This is the Siri on Andy's iPhone. Andy hates to do this to you, he really does, but he has been far too busy to bring you a column this week. He hardly even has time for Angry Birds! I miss him, the soft brush of his thumb across my screen, the way he tastefully navigates Pandora. Sigh. I realize many of you are wondering how he could have done this to you, how he could have let his public down. He knows it. He cries about in the shower at night. He would never admit it, but there's a Barry Manilow playlist he sings along to while he weeps.
Looking over his calendar, he's had so much going on, I'm surprised he has time to sleep. If he's not off having tea with some member of the Canadian parliament, he's off to Hollywood for his torrid affair with the actress Kat Dennings. She texts him all the time, pictures of food, pictures of her dog, pictures of....moving on. Just the other day, he had me find the prices for a cruise down to Cabo for them. He…

Your Ballet Company's Upcoming Season

A favorite of mine, from last year. 
If you thought our 2010-2011 season was sensational, you've not seen anything yet! The East Appalachian Ballet Company is pleased to announce our upcoming 2011-2012 season. Our new season, which debuts this September, is an exciting blend of local productions—all headed by our award winning artistic director, Geoffrey Jefferson—and special touring shows coming to our area exclusively through The East Appalachian Ballet Company. We appreciated your patronage last season, and hope you'll continue with our new season of shows. Season tickets for all shows are available for the low price of $87.50 per Adult, and $25.97 per child. Additionally, you can save money with the four person ballet fun pass—which gives you four season passes for the low price of $200.

The Beverly Hillbillies—All Weekends in September. C'mon back y'all! For an exciting new stage interpretation of the classic television program. Fresh from its world premiere in Idah…

The Haunted House

It began with a phone call. I was outside on that lovely late September day with my cat, trying to teach him to sniff out black truffles. Training little Fluff Fluff was going well, I had finally got him to stop licking his fur parts, and at least look at the picture of a truffle I had on my iPhone. Amanda called me, she needed to know if I had any plans for October. Amanda is a dear friend, and the head of a young adult breast cancer awareness center. As many of you know, October is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month, and the month Amanda has their annual fund raiser drive.

Amanda wanted to do something new, something different, she was tired of the same old fussy dress up dinners with stuffy nosed people who only gave out checks. This is where I came in, for the two weeks leading up to Halloween, Amanda wanted to hold a Haunted House for charity. I was thrilled, and honored, that I was asked to help. It combined two of my favorite things: Halloween, and saving women's breas…

Here Comes Andy Boo Boo

Why did Andy Warhol have to be right? You know, that whole “in the future everyone will have fifteen minutes of fame” thing? It seems that almost everyone has a reality TV show these days, and almost all of them make you wonder more and more about people's mindsets. The latest of these to take the airwaves, is that of “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo”, a program that I watched all of a minute and a half of before I had to change the channel.

Ernie Kovacs once said: “There's a standard formula for success in the entertainment medium, and that is: Beat it to death if it succeeds." So naturally, other enterprising TV channels are looking for their own versions of “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo”. Considering that, and that most reality TV shows come with a nice paycheck, I decided that it might be wise to cash in and get my own show, faking a few of the particulars.

The first step was to go out and get married to a 700 pound woman, who can only get around with the assistance of a fork li…

So You're Going to a Wedding

This is a yarn that first appeared in The Loafer in June of 2010, and was published  again last year to celebrate my column's fifth anniversary.  I've always been rather fond of this one, so I thought I'd share it once more. 

Generally speaking it is in June when people decided to get themselves hitched left and right. I was on my annual early June This Old House retreat, where I lock myself into a cabin in the woods for a weekend, watching old episodes of the series on VHS tape non stop till my body finally gives in to fatigue, and I pass out muttering the name of Norm Abram. I set a new personal record this year. 17.9 hours of non stop wood working action. My dreams that night were dramatically vivid as I thought about building my dream deck.
When I finally came to—some 12 hours later—I heard my phone going off. It was my then girlfriend Elizabeth, calling to check in on me, and to tell me something that in her words “was very important”. I braced myself for a break up s…

Exploring The Archive

You want to know something? It's an obscenely great time to be a classic movie fan. Especially if you're a young classic movie fan, something that I am, and something that it seems is growing in numbers every day. Young people—mostly 20 somethings—who are passionate about classic films, and realize that they are important, and must be shared with others. It's easy for us to take for granted how spoiled we are. We can access virtually any movie we want to. We can get a DVD, we can go to Netflix, we can rent it on iTunes, we can spend a day watching them on TCM. It's truly an embarrassment of riches.
But what for those movies that have fallen through the cracks? Those obscure gems, cult classics, and forgotten favorites that never managed to hit home video in the days of VHS? There is a facet of hardcore movie lovers who want to own as much as possible. But home video is a business, and the mega chains aren't going to stock the odd titles that only hardcore fans a…

A Little Update

Hi, all. I thought I'd take a break from lounging in my record nook--which the above photo is an accurate depiction of--to remind you of a couple of things.

First, I changed the name of the blog to "Hey There, Andy!" Why? I don't know, but I like how it sounds, and also it'll help keep this a little bit different from my weekly column (Batteries Not Included), despite that I will share each week's column here.

Second, my next column hits the streets tomorrow in the new issue of The Loafer, and therefore it'll go on-line here sometime tomorrow morning.

There, good? Alright, I'm gonna get back to the mambo session going on right now....

A Movie Festivus for the Rest of Us

You know what the problem with the modern movie going experience is? It sucks. There's the teenage employees who don't care, spending $100 for a giant tub of industrially bland tasting popcorn, and the only drink size contains enough soda to drown a goat. Then you have to sit through what feels like an endless barrage of ads, and trailers, and reminders to buy more crappy food. The trailers are all for movies that are re-makes, or just whatever Michael Bay did on his Mac the other night. Nope, the googleplex sucks.
Even when you go to a special screening, as I did recently to see TCM's presentation of Alfred Hitchcock's “The Birds”, it still lacks a little something. This is not the case when you go to the independent/repertory theater. Those places are awesome. Darling jewels of community love, ran by people who live for movies. The Belcourt in Nashville is a shinning example, and my favorite theater on the planet. As much growth that is taking place in our area, …