Ernie Kovacs once said: “There's a standard formula for success in the entertainment medium, and that is: Beat it to death if it succeeds." So naturally, other enterprising TV channels are looking for their own versions of “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo”. Considering that, and that most reality TV shows come with a nice paycheck, I decided that it might be wise to cash in and get my own show, faking a few of the particulars.
The first step was to go out and get married to a 700 pound woman, who can only get around with the assistance of a fork lift. I also made sure she had an adorable six year old daughter, who just placed first in the East Tennessee Pretty Little Miss Pretty pageant. My marriage to Ruby Sue, and her daughter Betty McNuzzle Pot, also came with a shinny new brother in law, Steven Jim Bob Billy Bob Boatwright McGintry Comatose Yamaha. I also learned that in my new family, I was the only one who spoke the English language. Everyone else sounded like a Jazz singer trying to scat while having a stroke.
Once word got out of my new marriage, it didn't take long for a producer to come a callin'. Everyone tweeted about it “Andy Ross has lost it. #HesMadeaTerribleMistake #HeShouldHaveBoughtTheSeawardInstead”. The tweets just kept coming in, but I didn't have time to pay much attention to them—for I was busy shooting the pilot for “The Writer and The Fork Lift Mama.” Yes, it showed just how crazy my new life was, busy with the youngins, and trying to find doorways to get a fork lift through.
There was a nice paycheck given to us all, a few months went by, and we heard the news that the pilot was not going to become a series. We were all sad, and I realized that I needed to go get a divorce quicker than you could say antidisestablishmentarianism. Getting the divorce was rather easy, as ole Fork Lift couldn't make it through the court doors. I was relived, and was once again myself. Fork Lift moved to Montana, and helps test the safety of SUVs.
If all of this seems far fetched to you, just take a gander around the dial at what people are watching. I'd be willing to bet you'll see a show like this in just a matter of months—heaven help us. See you next week, follow me on Twitter @ThatAndyRoss