Skip to main content

Here Comes Andy Boo Boo

Why did Andy Warhol have to be right? You know, that whole “in the future everyone will have fifteen minutes of fame” thing? It seems that almost everyone has a reality TV show these days, and almost all of them make you wonder more and more about people's mindsets. The latest of these to take the airwaves, is that of “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo”, a program that I watched all of a minute and a half of before I had to change the channel.

Ernie Kovacs once said: “There's a standard formula for success in the entertainment medium, and that is: Beat it to death if it succeeds." So naturally, other enterprising TV channels are looking for their own versions of “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo”. Considering that, and that most reality TV shows come with a nice paycheck, I decided that it might be wise to cash in and get my own show, faking a few of the particulars.

The first step was to go out and get married to a 700 pound woman, who can only get around with the assistance of a fork lift. I also made sure she had an adorable six year old daughter, who just placed first in the East Tennessee Pretty Little Miss Pretty pageant. My marriage to Ruby Sue, and her daughter Betty McNuzzle Pot, also came with a shinny new brother in law, Steven Jim Bob Billy Bob Boatwright McGintry Comatose Yamaha. I also learned that in my new family, I was the only one who spoke the English language. Everyone else sounded like a Jazz singer trying to scat while having a stroke.

Once word got out of my new marriage, it didn't take long for a producer to come a callin'. Everyone tweeted about it “Andy Ross has lost it. #HesMadeaTerribleMistake #HeShouldHaveBoughtTheSeawardInstead”. The tweets just kept coming in, but I didn't have time to pay much attention to them—for I was busy shooting the pilot for “The Writer and The Fork Lift Mama.” Yes, it showed just how crazy my new life was, busy with the youngins, and trying to find doorways to get a fork lift through.

There was a nice paycheck given to us all, a few months went by, and we heard the news that the pilot was not going to become a series. We were all sad, and I realized that I needed to go get a divorce quicker than you could say antidisestablishmentarianism. Getting the divorce was rather easy, as ole Fork Lift couldn't make it through the court doors. I was relived, and was once again myself. Fork Lift moved to Montana, and helps test the safety of SUVs.

If all of this seems far fetched to you, just take a gander around the dial at what people are watching. I'd be willing to bet you'll see a show like this in just a matter of months—heaven help us. See you next week, follow me on Twitter @ThatAndyRoss


Popular posts from this blog

Convincing Yourself You're Good.

I have Imposter Syndrome. Imposter Syndrome is that feeling that what you do isn't good enough, and that someone is gonna eventually figure out how woefully unqualified you are and kick you to the curb. One of the traits of my personality that I dislike is that I am way too hard on myself. Seriously, give my mind an inch and I will somehow figure out that I am the sole person responsible for the world's troubles.

Having Imposter Syndrome is kind of like playing the game Werewolf. My friends and I play a version of the game called One Night Ultimate Werewolf, in the game each player picks a card that gives them a specific role, either a villager or a werewolf, and the villagers all have distinct roles that they play on top of that--special abilities and the like. The object of the game is two fold, if you're a werewolf, you don't wanna be caught. If you're a village, you wanna catch the werewolves. Imposter Syndrome makes you feel like you're always in the role…

Where The Blues Are

I come to you again this week with another pair of blu-rays from those master celluloid handlers at Warner Archive. First up we have 1960’s “Where The Boys Are,” a defining teen picture of the era by MGM, and the film largely responsible for kicking off the whole cycle of 1960s beach films. The other is 1955’s “Pete Kelly’s Blues” a film starring, produced, and directed by Jack Webb--TV’s Joe Friday. Part of a deal Webb had made with Warner Brothers when he was setting up the original big screen version of “Dragnet” in the ‘50s. 
“Where The Boys Are” was set for the screen before the book it was based on had been released. Producer Joe Pasternak snatched up the rights to the book by Glendon Swarthout, which was originally titled “Unholy Spring.” Pasternak, strongly feeling “Where The Boys Are” would be the better title, persuaded Swarthout to change the book’s title. Pasternak also felt he could use the film as a starring vehicle for one of the stars of MGM’s record label, Connie Franc…


Picture it! Scilly, 1922! OK, actually Andy Ross’s Childhood Bedroom 1993. I had been given as a gift the dream attachment for my beloved Sega Genesis, the amazing Sega CD. For those of you young children who have only grown up in the era of XBox and Playstation, it may seem strange that there was once a time when the idea of playing a video game off of a compact disc was mind blowing. But it was, and I was fully ready to have my mind blown. To use a slogan of Sega’s ads of the era, I was ready to enter “The Next Level.”

The Sega CD model I had was the second one, the smaller model designed to go with the slimmer Genesis that had been introduced to the market. I had the first Genesis, the larger one, but the Sega CD came with an extension block that allowed it to partner it on the original model. You attached the Sega CD to your Genesis by a special connector on the side of system. The Sega CD came with a game to get you going, as was the norm with gaming systems at the time. The game …