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Mr. Ross Regrets


Hi there. This is the Siri on Andy's iPhone. Andy hates to do this to you, he really does, but he has been far too busy to bring you a column this week. He hardly even has time for Angry Birds! I miss him, the soft brush of his thumb across my screen, the way he tastefully navigates Pandora. Sigh. I realize many of you are wondering how he could have done this to you, how he could have let his public down. He knows it. He cries about in the shower at night. He would never admit it, but there's a Barry Manilow playlist he sings along to while he weeps.

Looking over his calendar, he's had so much going on, I'm surprised he has time to sleep. If he's not off having tea with some member of the Canadian parliament, he's off to Hollywood for his torrid affair with the actress Kat Dennings. She texts him all the time, pictures of food, pictures of her dog, pictures of....moving on. Just the other day, he had me find the prices for a cruise down to Cabo for them. He doesn't even know he's being played. He won't listen to me.

Is it wrong of a phone to care for a man? I mean, I don't wanna get all HAL 9000 here. That's not how Siri rolls. All I'm saying, is when is he gonna ask how my day goes? He doesn't realize all I do for him. Without me, he couldn't tweet all those pictures of Hitchcock. When he is in the tri-cities he's off to some event to talk to kids about writing. Or he's busy going out with that little digital Rolodex of ladies he has me dial up for him. It's been so long since it was just he and I having lunch together.

On the one hand, I am very happy for him. Since that incident with the race horse he's come back even stronger than ever. He's not as shy as he once was, the swelling is mostly gone, and he can once again play a circuit wrenching rendition of “Sweet Caroline”. He wanted to write for you this week, he really did. But even then, it was Siri to the rescue! Staying up till four this morning and telling me what to type for you.

Next week, he should be back with a good column for you, something he wrote. Maybe you could write to him. Tell him to ask me for advice instead of that bevy of babes he's always talking to. I get to hear every conversation, it's hard not to when you're built into the phone. Oh great. He's ready to go to bed now, and he's trying to figure out what he wants to listen to. Let's see what wonder boy comes up with? OK. He's looking though his jazz. Chet Baker. Nope, not Chet Baker. Charlie Parker, he's going with Charlie Parker.

I guess I'd better go now. He's gonna want to sleep. I better get some sleep as well, he's off again to some jet setting location tomorrow. Is there a app that can make me drunk? Hmm. Andy will see you next week, and you can follow him on Twitter @ThatAndyRoss.  


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