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Showing posts from December, 2012

The Weepy Divorcée

It wasn't the strangest new year party I'd ever been invited to—that would be the great Pudding Cook Off of 2008—but it was certainly up there. Uncle Dan had finalized his divorce on Christmas Eve, a service of the county clerk's “Wanna Really Feel Like Crap This Year?” division. Uncle Dan, however, did not feel crappy—he felt jubilant. He had married a younger woman named Debbie. The family chose not to comment on Dan's decision to commit to a woman barely 30—he being in his mid 50s—but we all had a feeling it wouldn't last long. I'm pleased to say I won the pool at 2 years, one month.

Dan decided he wished to throw a big “Welcome back to Bachelorhood” party on New Year's Day. He took me aside at the family's Christmas Eve gathering to ask if I would help him go over the details. I'm glad he did, as all he had on his list was to eat barbecue, followed by burning down a wooden effigy of Debbie. Instead I suggested we make it a nice BBQ eatin' gat…

2012: My Year in Review

And so this is Christmas, and just WHAT have you you done? Actually, I don't want to know what you've done. Seriously. Stop tweeting about it. But yet another year is coming to an end, and I thought it would be a smashing time to look over the events of this crazy mixed up year we called 2012. First off, let's talk about the biggie. The world didn't end, did it? You're reading this. I wrote this. Everything is perfectly fine. I'm know you ran around warning everyone, emptying your bank account, but I bet right now you're feeling pretty silly for hording all those cans of Organic Vegan Chili, aren't you?

My year began with my highly publicized relationship with Taylor Swift. We had fun, saw the sights, made the trade papers, but in the end we broke up. It was a mutual ending, as it benefited the both of us. She got enough material for her next album, and I got enough material for my first book, Swifty and Me. That was most of my romantic life right there.…

The Diary of The Twelve Days of Christmas

December 25

Dear Diary,

Here we are, Christmas day! My wife and I have had a wonderful Christmas! We had a marvelous meal, and enjoyed spending time with family and friends. We're doing something different, however, we're going to roll our gifts out over the 12 days of Christmas. Should be exciting, and perhaps let that Christmas spirit last longer. Today I was given a beautiful pear tree, with a partridge on the top of it. The cat is having a fit over the bird, and I'm trying to figure out where in the yard to put the tree.

December 26

Dear Diary,

Today my wife gave me two turtle doves, they're getting along just fine with the partridge. I didn't really ever think I'd have any birds in my lifetime, but now I have three. They're pretty, and they sing well. The cat drools when he walks by them. We're keeping them as far away from him as possible, I have to run to PetSmart and buy bird feed.

December 27

Dear Diary,

OK, things are taking an odd turn, more…

Fifty Shades of Kringle

Susan Havisham was a bright girl, a young college sophomore who had just moved into a house along with her best friend, Chesty LaRue. Both of them were excited about having a place they could truly call their own. They had clubs they kept busy with, Susan was on the sidesaddle riders committee, and Chesty was on the “Hey get out of the house and do something” committee. She was looking forward to holding their first Christmas bash. 
Susan was something of a shy girl, and reluctant to attend. Yet, at the constant insisting of Chesty, she did. The party was full of people, all dressed nicely, and making idle conversation over egg nog and party food. Chesty checked in with Susan to see how she was doing. Susan was feeling a bit frumpy, bored, and wanting to go home. As Chesty was called away to greet some Freshmen, that's when Susan saw him for the first time. 
He was dressed all in fir, from his head to his foot, Susan had never seen anyone quite rock red fir with white trim like that…

A Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,
Big man! Sup? Christmas time once again, eh? Seems like it was just a year ago. First off, let me assure you—as I'm all to aware you know—that I have been a VERY good boy this year. I began my charity this year, The Andy Ross Charity for College Women Who Wear Short Shorts and Shop at The Mall. We've done great things, and I've seen a lot of short shorts. I know you can appreciate the sentiments. 
Your time is valuable, so if it is alright with you, I'd like to get right down to business and tell you what I would like for Christmas. First off, I would like for there to be peace on the planet. Peace, and for all the children of the world, to be able to embrace the tasty gift that is cheese. Oh, and you should add some type of fancy party cracker to go with that. One of those ones from the highest part of the shelf at the supermarkets. Guess you should throw in a coke too, that's gonna need some type of beverage. You know what, just make that feed the kids…