Big man! Sup? Christmas time once again, eh? Seems like it was just a year ago. First off, let me assure you—as I'm all to aware you know—that I have been a VERY good boy this year. I began my charity this year, The Andy Ross Charity for College Women Who Wear Short Shorts and Shop at The Mall. We've done great things, and I've seen a lot of short shorts. I know you can appreciate the sentiments.
Your time is valuable, so if it is alright with you, I'd like to get right down to business and tell you what I would like for Christmas. First off, I would like for there to be peace on the planet. Peace, and for all the children of the world, to be able to embrace the tasty gift that is cheese. Oh, and you should add some type of fancy party cracker to go with that. One of those ones from the highest part of the shelf at the supermarkets. Guess you should throw in a coke too, that's gonna need some type of beverage. You know what, just make that feed the kids, OK?
Secondly, I would like a 1965 Ford Mustang Convertible, preferably in red, with a lovely redhead inside it. Maybe I shouldn't beg or choose. Some type of gal to run around with would be appreciated. Just as long as she is cute and isn't horrified by my very presence, and or touch. If the trunk of this car could be filled with half a million dollars in unmarked bills, that would be great too. I would do good with the money, donate some to charity, and use the rest to make a charming house for myself and the cute gal in the mustang.
Third, I think you deserve a gift, Santa. When was the last time anyone did anything nice for you? I mean, sure the elves got you that mug that said “Best Santa Ever”, but did that really fill you full of joy? I think not. I want you to get something nice for yourself. How about a Keurig? Everyone likes coffee, and it makes hot chocolate too! When you come down my chimney this year, you'll also find a gift card good for one massage session. I'm sure they have someone who can do that up there at the North Pole.
Well, that's it. I don't want much, just a few things. I am a humble person Santa, I even took a billboard out on North Roan calling me “The Most Gracious and Humble Man In Town”. I think this year will be a grand Christmas all around Santa, and once you've discovered the joy of coffee made quick from a tiny cup like thing—you're gonna be oh so holly and jolly. As per usual I'll have the runway lights on the top of my house on that night, and I'll be fast asleep. The cookies will be by the tree, with an extra box for the road—plus a flask of 2%.
Wishing you a Merry Christmas,