I was bored the other night, the cat was sleeping in another part of the house, and there wasn't anything of particular intrest on TV. This is how it came to pass that I found myself watching an episode of "House Hunters". You know "House Hunters", don't you? That TV series on the "First World Problems" network, HGTV. In case you've not seen in it, and you're not missing much, "House Hunters" is a series in which a young couple, usually newlyweds or soon to be weds, hunt for a house with the help of a realtor, and a price budget that could save some tribal villages from vanishing off the face of the earth. I would like to take a few moments and present my version of "House Hunters".
Never seen narrator: Tonight on House Hunters, Dick and Suzy are a newly married couple, ready to take that great leap into owning a house. Let's hear how they met.
Dick: I was doing a keg stand one night in college, and this cute piece of tail caught me when I slipped.
Suzy: It was really funny, he smashed his heel into my nose, and we both crashed into a glass coffee table. We bonded while trying to stabilize each other in the ER waiting room.
Dick: Our budget is $950,000. Which should buy us a house big enough to for a pool, and a hedge in the front yard shaped like a middle finger. But really, that's what the house is for anyway.
Narrator of all seeing power and judgement on houses: Dick and Suzy have teamed up with realtor, Tina Underwire, to help them search for their suburban dream home. Tina first takes them to a house in the up and coming "Not Completely Shit" district.
We see the couple pull up the home
Tina: Hi, guys! Welcome. This house is 40,000 square feet, has a pool, 5 bedrooms, 10 bathrooms, a wine room, and a kill floor under the kitchen! It's in your range at only $800,000.
The couple enter the front room of the house
Dick: Wow! This is really nice. It's totes everything I'm looking for.
Suzy: I hate that staircase!
Dick: You're right babe, this house sucks.
Narrator which is all powerful and from Wisconsin: Tina takes Dick and Suzy to a house that has everything they want, but is out of their price range. In the very trendy "Debt City" area of town, it's only $1,115,000.
Tina: Now I know this house is a little out of your price range...
Dick: OH SWEET JESUS! I love it! It's everything! But...the price. I just... I can't. I just...
At this point Dick breaks down crying, curls up on the floor, and wets himself
Narrator who will crush your hopes and dreams with one swift breath: After a change of clothing, and a powdering; Dick and Suzy move on to the last house on the list. Priced well under their range at only $135,000--and in the reasonable "You Don't Need That Much For Your First House, Dumbass" section of town. It's a charming vintage ranch house.
Tina: It's three bedrooms, two and a half bathrooms. It's really nice inside, recently updated, and would be the perfect starter home.
The couple is impressed with the house, but still come up with ways to throw their money away.
Dick: Wow! That backyard has so much room! We'd finally have a space to build an outdoor kitchen, AND a wooden effigy of those who have wronged us!
Suzy: Which we will then burn down to the ground and dance on the ashes of!
Narrator's final moment of glory: Which house will Dick and Suzy pick? Let's pause to get your worked up over this bull, then come back with the answer!
Insert ton of Lowe's ads here
Dick: After a lot of thought, and some tweaking of the books...
Suzy: We've decided to go with house number two! Sure, we'll be in debt forever, but I'll be able to shove it down everyone's throat on Facebook!