Skip to main content

Professional Wedding Vows

Why The Addams Family? Why not!?


Next weekend, my very dear friend Amanda is getting married. As the countdown clicked on and the stress levels rose, we would talk about all that has to be done before the ceremony. You're practically working right until the moment you say “I do”. Amanda talked to me of the rush of organization, showers, and general madness of dealing with people. One area of particular stress for Amanda, was writing the vows. This led my brain to thinking. Amanda's wedding is the kick off of a late summer to fall wedding season for me, I have four to attend.

So I thought as a service to my friends, and those of you with your own wedding worries on your mind. I've taken it upon myself to create some vows that you are more than welcome to use for your own wedding. These are all gender neutral, so feel free to adapt them to suit your needs however you see fit. The vows below are perfect for any wedding or commitment ceremony. You even have my permission to photocopy them and include them in your wedding program. Now, without further ado, your professionally written wedding vows.

My darling, since you came into my life, things just haven't been the same. That rash cleared up, the jury acquitted me, and I feel like I'm walking on air. There are so many things about you that I love. The way that your nose curls up slightly. The way that you effortlessly manage to keep things running with ease. The way that you sneak up behind me and snipe me when we play Call of Duty on Xbox. During my first stint in prison, I used to lie awake at night, looking at the stars from behind the bars, and wondering if there was anyone for me. As I stand here today, committing myself fully to you,. I know the answer to that question.

Sweetness, when I first gazed upon your face, I was gnawing on a chicken bone in the ally behind the Food City. I thought you were the sheriff, and I ran. You, thinking I was an escapee from the nearby clinic, tackled me and we both fell onto a mound of empty egg crates by the dumpster. That night was pure magic, we laughed and got dip cones at the DQ. After learning we had so much in common, we went over to Farmer Jenkins' Farm and tipped all the cows over. Our love is strong and rigid, so much so that the men from those Viagra commercials will sing songs about it. I love you, my precious darling, and I always will.

This is when it would be a good idea to play some romantic song that is important to you. Something along the lines of “Sex Bomb” by Tom Jones, or “Lush Life” by Johnny Hartman. The overwhelming emotion of the vows, combined with these choices in music, will no doubt send everyone gathered for your special day to tears. It is my sincere hope, that if you do choose these vows, that it will make your wedding day embedded in the minds of those you love for years to come.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Convincing Yourself You're Good.

I have Imposter Syndrome. Imposter Syndrome is that feeling that what you do isn't good enough, and that someone is gonna eventually figure out how woefully unqualified you are and kick you to the curb. One of the traits of my personality that I dislike is that I am way too hard on myself. Seriously, give my mind an inch and I will somehow figure out that I am the sole person responsible for the world's troubles.

Having Imposter Syndrome is kind of like playing the game Werewolf. My friends and I play a version of the game called One Night Ultimate Werewolf, in the game each player picks a card that gives them a specific role, either a villager or a werewolf, and the villagers all have distinct roles that they play on top of that--special abilities and the like. The object of the game is two fold, if you're a werewolf, you don't wanna be caught. If you're a village, you wanna catch the werewolves. Imposter Syndrome makes you feel like you're always in the role…

Where The Blues Are

I come to you again this week with another pair of blu-rays from those master celluloid handlers at Warner Archive. First up we have 1960’s “Where The Boys Are,” a defining teen picture of the era by MGM, and the film largely responsible for kicking off the whole cycle of 1960s beach films. The other is 1955’s “Pete Kelly’s Blues” a film starring, produced, and directed by Jack Webb--TV’s Joe Friday. Part of a deal Webb had made with Warner Brothers when he was setting up the original big screen version of “Dragnet” in the ‘50s. 
“Where The Boys Are” was set for the screen before the book it was based on had been released. Producer Joe Pasternak snatched up the rights to the book by Glendon Swarthout, which was originally titled “Unholy Spring.” Pasternak, strongly feeling “Where The Boys Are” would be the better title, persuaded Swarthout to change the book’s title. Pasternak also felt he could use the film as a starring vehicle for one of the stars of MGM’s record label, Connie Franc…

Twelve-Nine-Three

Picture it! Scilly, 1922! OK, actually Andy Ross’s Childhood Bedroom 1993. I had been given as a gift the dream attachment for my beloved Sega Genesis, the amazing Sega CD. For those of you young children who have only grown up in the era of XBox and Playstation, it may seem strange that there was once a time when the idea of playing a video game off of a compact disc was mind blowing. But it was, and I was fully ready to have my mind blown. To use a slogan of Sega’s ads of the era, I was ready to enter “The Next Level.”

The Sega CD model I had was the second one, the smaller model designed to go with the slimmer Genesis that had been introduced to the market. I had the first Genesis, the larger one, but the Sega CD came with an extension block that allowed it to partner it on the original model. You attached the Sega CD to your Genesis by a special connector on the side of system. The Sega CD came with a game to get you going, as was the norm with gaming systems at the time. The game …