Skip to main content

Lincoln 2: Legislate with a Vengeance!


At the bookstore this afternoon, my attention was directed towards a book in the discounted history section. The book was simply titled “Lincoln in 3-D”, and was a photo book of period 3-D photography. Naturally, the title alone made my brain conceptualize of a motion picture based upon the book. I suppose on the one hand I shouldn't be surprised, there's been a number of nouveau
takes on our sixteenth president. Outside of the recent Spielberg picture, there was “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter”. So in keeping with modern times, how else can we use the great emancipator for fun and profit?

Let us begin with the actual trailer for the smash movie: “Lincoln in 3-D”. Never before has the motion picture screen known such excitement! Millions spent! Three years in the making! You won't believe your eyes when you see “Lincoln in 3-D”!!! Redundancy pictures is proud to present a once in a lifetime IMAX experience! You'll swear that you can actually reach out and touch the stovepipe hat! You'll thrill as you can feel the man's beard inch closer and closer to your face! Warning: No one will be seated during the signing of the emancipation proclamation! “Lincoln in 3-D”! A technological triumph, a movie that will stay with you forever! Please don't reveal the secret ending to your friends! “Lincoln in 3-D”! Coming soon!

Now that we have Lincoln as a vampire hunter, and Lincoln as a 3-D superstar, the obvious next role for Honest Abe is that of action hero. Perhaps a film that is somewhat reminiscent of “Die Hard”? The trailer would start off with some bombastic narration. In a land, torn apart by a civil war, one man will try to rescue his wife. While keeping the country from falling apart. Lincoln makes a good will trip down to the south, at the invitation of an open minded plantation owner. While the party for the president is being thrown, confederate terrorists kidnap Mary Todd Lincoln, and cause general mayhem.

Shots of all kinds of excitement would follow this. Barns blowing up, people running in a panic, people holding rifles at each other. Then on top of the roof we'd see Abe Lincoln crawling around on the roof of the mansion in an undershirt, trying to drop cloth sacks full of gun powder down the chimneys. As he scoots along he will be overheard saying “Yeah, come down to the south! We'll get together, have a few laughs...” The trailer then cuts to a shot of all the windows getting blown out of the mansion. The narrator would then say: This Summer, Abe Lincoln in: “Not Without My Mary”.

Where could one possibly go from here? We've had Lincoln the vampire hunter, Lincoln the 3-D IMAX experience, and Lincoln the action star. The next logical progression would be to have Abe Lincoln as a sort of superhero. The success of all these Lincoln themed films would make needy television executives rush in a blur of activity to create their own Lincoln franchise. Modern TV lore tells that you must have a show that will appeal to everyone, and if you can do it as cheaply as possible all the better. Hence, the show would be a Lincoln-ized remake of an older TV favorite.

The show's opening sequence would begin with Lincoln being shot at Ford's Theater. A voice over would begin. “Abraham Lincoln. President. A Man barely alive.” We would see the president being rushed into a shockingly modern looking medical facility. A man would speak. “Gentlemen, we can rebuild him, we have the technology.” A radically shocking form of tech based on studies from Thomas Jefferson's secret notebooks. “We can make him faster, stronger, better than he was before.”

We would then see our sixteenth president, being outfitting with all kinds of steampunk looking objects, this would then dissolve to a shot of Lincoln running through a field in slow motion, stovepipe hat and all. Lincoln would then jump over rows of cattle, all to a “shananana” sound effect. We'd see Lincoln smash his way though walls to free slaves, and lift full grown horses over his head. “This fall, Abraham Lincoln is The Six Million Dollar President.” It would be a smash hit, and the spin off would be “The Bionic Mary Todd”.

This is just a few ways to modernize ole Abe for a modern audience. It's amazing that with today's technology and creativity, it's just a short hop from “Lincoln in 3-D” to “The Six Million Dollar President.” If odds are that I've somehow just created the genre of Steampunk Presidential Fiction, all I ask is for some credit.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Convincing Yourself You're Good.

I have Imposter Syndrome. Imposter Syndrome is that feeling that what you do isn't good enough, and that someone is gonna eventually figure out how woefully unqualified you are and kick you to the curb. One of the traits of my personality that I dislike is that I am way too hard on myself. Seriously, give my mind an inch and I will somehow figure out that I am the sole person responsible for the world's troubles.

Having Imposter Syndrome is kind of like playing the game Werewolf. My friends and I play a version of the game called One Night Ultimate Werewolf, in the game each player picks a card that gives them a specific role, either a villager or a werewolf, and the villagers all have distinct roles that they play on top of that--special abilities and the like. The object of the game is two fold, if you're a werewolf, you don't wanna be caught. If you're a village, you wanna catch the werewolves. Imposter Syndrome makes you feel like you're always in the role…

Where The Blues Are

I come to you again this week with another pair of blu-rays from those master celluloid handlers at Warner Archive. First up we have 1960’s “Where The Boys Are,” a defining teen picture of the era by MGM, and the film largely responsible for kicking off the whole cycle of 1960s beach films. The other is 1955’s “Pete Kelly’s Blues” a film starring, produced, and directed by Jack Webb--TV’s Joe Friday. Part of a deal Webb had made with Warner Brothers when he was setting up the original big screen version of “Dragnet” in the ‘50s. 
“Where The Boys Are” was set for the screen before the book it was based on had been released. Producer Joe Pasternak snatched up the rights to the book by Glendon Swarthout, which was originally titled “Unholy Spring.” Pasternak, strongly feeling “Where The Boys Are” would be the better title, persuaded Swarthout to change the book’s title. Pasternak also felt he could use the film as a starring vehicle for one of the stars of MGM’s record label, Connie Franc…

Twelve-Nine-Three

Picture it! Scilly, 1922! OK, actually Andy Ross’s Childhood Bedroom 1993. I had been given as a gift the dream attachment for my beloved Sega Genesis, the amazing Sega CD. For those of you young children who have only grown up in the era of XBox and Playstation, it may seem strange that there was once a time when the idea of playing a video game off of a compact disc was mind blowing. But it was, and I was fully ready to have my mind blown. To use a slogan of Sega’s ads of the era, I was ready to enter “The Next Level.”

The Sega CD model I had was the second one, the smaller model designed to go with the slimmer Genesis that had been introduced to the market. I had the first Genesis, the larger one, but the Sega CD came with an extension block that allowed it to partner it on the original model. You attached the Sega CD to your Genesis by a special connector on the side of system. The Sega CD came with a game to get you going, as was the norm with gaming systems at the time. The game …