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Lincoln 2: Legislate with a Vengeance!


At the bookstore this afternoon, my attention was directed towards a book in the discounted history section. The book was simply titled “Lincoln in 3-D”, and was a photo book of period 3-D photography. Naturally, the title alone made my brain conceptualize of a motion picture based upon the book. I suppose on the one hand I shouldn't be surprised, there's been a number of nouveau
takes on our sixteenth president. Outside of the recent Spielberg picture, there was “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter”. So in keeping with modern times, how else can we use the great emancipator for fun and profit?

Let us begin with the actual trailer for the smash movie: “Lincoln in 3-D”. Never before has the motion picture screen known such excitement! Millions spent! Three years in the making! You won't believe your eyes when you see “Lincoln in 3-D”!!! Redundancy pictures is proud to present a once in a lifetime IMAX experience! You'll swear that you can actually reach out and touch the stovepipe hat! You'll thrill as you can feel the man's beard inch closer and closer to your face! Warning: No one will be seated during the signing of the emancipation proclamation! “Lincoln in 3-D”! A technological triumph, a movie that will stay with you forever! Please don't reveal the secret ending to your friends! “Lincoln in 3-D”! Coming soon!

Now that we have Lincoln as a vampire hunter, and Lincoln as a 3-D superstar, the obvious next role for Honest Abe is that of action hero. Perhaps a film that is somewhat reminiscent of “Die Hard”? The trailer would start off with some bombastic narration. In a land, torn apart by a civil war, one man will try to rescue his wife. While keeping the country from falling apart. Lincoln makes a good will trip down to the south, at the invitation of an open minded plantation owner. While the party for the president is being thrown, confederate terrorists kidnap Mary Todd Lincoln, and cause general mayhem.

Shots of all kinds of excitement would follow this. Barns blowing up, people running in a panic, people holding rifles at each other. Then on top of the roof we'd see Abe Lincoln crawling around on the roof of the mansion in an undershirt, trying to drop cloth sacks full of gun powder down the chimneys. As he scoots along he will be overheard saying “Yeah, come down to the south! We'll get together, have a few laughs...” The trailer then cuts to a shot of all the windows getting blown out of the mansion. The narrator would then say: This Summer, Abe Lincoln in: “Not Without My Mary”.

Where could one possibly go from here? We've had Lincoln the vampire hunter, Lincoln the 3-D IMAX experience, and Lincoln the action star. The next logical progression would be to have Abe Lincoln as a sort of superhero. The success of all these Lincoln themed films would make needy television executives rush in a blur of activity to create their own Lincoln franchise. Modern TV lore tells that you must have a show that will appeal to everyone, and if you can do it as cheaply as possible all the better. Hence, the show would be a Lincoln-ized remake of an older TV favorite.

The show's opening sequence would begin with Lincoln being shot at Ford's Theater. A voice over would begin. “Abraham Lincoln. President. A Man barely alive.” We would see the president being rushed into a shockingly modern looking medical facility. A man would speak. “Gentlemen, we can rebuild him, we have the technology.” A radically shocking form of tech based on studies from Thomas Jefferson's secret notebooks. “We can make him faster, stronger, better than he was before.”

We would then see our sixteenth president, being outfitting with all kinds of steampunk looking objects, this would then dissolve to a shot of Lincoln running through a field in slow motion, stovepipe hat and all. Lincoln would then jump over rows of cattle, all to a “shananana” sound effect. We'd see Lincoln smash his way though walls to free slaves, and lift full grown horses over his head. “This fall, Abraham Lincoln is The Six Million Dollar President.” It would be a smash hit, and the spin off would be “The Bionic Mary Todd”.

This is just a few ways to modernize ole Abe for a modern audience. It's amazing that with today's technology and creativity, it's just a short hop from “Lincoln in 3-D” to “The Six Million Dollar President.” If odds are that I've somehow just created the genre of Steampunk Presidential Fiction, all I ask is for some credit.

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