Skip to main content

Posts

Showing posts from October, 2013

Forgotten Lore

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary, over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore, trying to come up with a Halloween column was a bore. It seemed not a single idea that my mind conceived of satisfied my need of. My need of a topic that was not a bore. My need of a column that I hadn't done before. Then is when I noticed, resting gently on the glass top coffee table. My iPhone, fully charged, ready, able to handle any single chore.
Soon my fingers went to tapping, some would say gently rapping. Rapping across the glass touch screen. Typing for an answer to my problem. I asked Siri to find me answers, find me a common list of Halloween traditions. Yet all Sir would reply with was “nevermore”. “Nevermore”? What is this “nevermore”? Oh, a curse upon this iOS 7! A curse upon it and it's day glow colors, that cheerfully display the “nevermore.”
Desperately I spoke the words once more, the words that would complete my futile chore “Siri,…

So You Think You're Being Paranoid

Do you ever feel paranoid? That feeling of impending dread that something is about to happen to you at any given moment? I get that way sometimes. I think we all do even if we don't realize it. Those moments when you drive around and it seems after every turn that car behind you keeps following you. That's one way my paranoia kicks in. I'll even drive around the block, and avoid going down my street, because I assume I'm now in The Big Sleep and these are the thugs who are after me.
My paranoia is a little on the mild to moderately annoying side. There's far deeper levels of paranoia to be sure. I'm just glad that I'm no where near the side of the scale in which I don't leave my house, because I fear that bright glowing orb in the sky. I think part of the reason we're all having increased amounts of paranoia is the fact that we have TV channels who do nothing but report news to us all day long. Naturally, they need some filler to fill 24 hours wo…

I Am Not Now, Nor Have I Ever Been, Interested in Exchanging Pleasantries

I found myself at the grocery the other day—I know, shocking. I had no grand scheme in mind, I was out of fabric softener, and the all natural brand that I use—which you can only get at a particular type of store—was all I had on my mind. I walked in, with a moderate amount of duty in my stride, and went straight to the cleaning aisle. Fabric softener in hand, I did a quick tour of the facilities, looking at the sales items, snagging a bite of cheese from the sample trays, and ogling the organic halloween candy on display.
I began a debate with myself as if I should actually buy the bag of individually wrapped organic dark chocolate peanut butter cups. They looked fantastic. My heart said yes, my brain said no. “They're organic! Dark Chocolate! That's good for you!” my heart said. My brain gently reminded me “Uh, yeah, didn't you just fill a bowl full of mini peppermint patties and place them on your desk?” The week in question was a stress filled one, and I came to …

About the Author

Andy Ross is Andy Ross, which is nothing to sneeze at. A noted writer, poet, raconteur, humorist, and recording artist, Mr. Ross was born in the late 1800s in the sleep village of Idaho, Wyoming, to a family of Alpaca Farmers. Always with an interest in the arts, at the age of seven is when Mr. Ross wrote his first piece of writing, the poem “A Child's View of an Alpaca.” After college—in the 1940s—Mr. Ross then began writing farm reports for his hometown paper—The Idaho Seeker.

His work at The Idaho Seeker would get noticed by National Geographic, who would ask Mr. Ross to be their Alaska Correspondent. There he would write what is considered by many to be among the finest pieces of nature journalism ever written. The most celebrated of which are his “Tundra Trilogy” that is comprised of the pieces: “The Moose Get Up At Dawn”, “Starlight on the Snow”, and “No, Seriously, I Can't Feel my Toes.” Leaving Alaska in the early 1950s, Mr. Ross would spend time in New York City as a B…

Twenty Years of Very Dangerous Days

One of the most important lessons I ever learned as a kid, was that both laundry day, and garbage day, are very dangerous days. If you're of a certain generation, you've picked up on what the above is a reference to. A line repeated by Rocko, the main character on the 1990s animated series Rocko's Modern Life, which celebrated its 20th anniversary this past month. If you've read my column for any long amount of time, you've heard me mention this series before. It's one of my favorites, and my absolute favorite cartoon series. Considering it's from that golden age of TV cartoons that was the 90s, the fact that 20 years later the series is starting to get it's due is high praise indeed.

For the uninitiated Rocko's Modern Life is about the daily adventures and life experiences of Rocko, a wallaby who just immigrated from Australia to the city of O-Town. Alongside Rocko, there's his dog, Spunky, and his two best friends. Heffer, an overweight stee…