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All The Things!!!



We're entering into that time of the year known affectionately to one and all as “The Holidays”. What this means, besides an overwhelming sense of anxiety about the state of your bank account, is that a large number of people who are related to you will be showing up at your doorstep. Basically from now until the end of the year, you're going to be on high alert to keep your abode as spotless as possible. Borderline obsessiveness kicks in as you roam from room to room, examining everything to make sure not a spec of dust is within sight.

Knowing that company would be coming at some point, I began my focus on the guest bedroom and bathroom. The bedroom is carpeted, and I began by vacuuming up every square inch of the carpet, then I deloused it. I mopped, sprayed, and sanitized the bathroom, then I did the same for the bedroom. The last task was to seal both rooms, I had no intention of letting anyone in those rooms that weren't planning on staying over for an extended amount of time. Friends became concerned when they found me crouched beneath the door to the guest room, in a loin cloth, and in a gravely voice muttering “precious!”.

Dusting is my mortal enemy, it seems like it's an endless endeavor—the fact that I have dark shaded furniture doesn't help either. Last year, after a night of insomnia and an endless stream of late night infomercials, I found myself wanting to invent some new wonder cleaning tool that could make dusting a far more fun task. I bought as many dusters as I could, and invented a ring for them to sit on, much like a fan. This fan was then attached to the end of a weed wacker. The result? $1400 worth of property damage, and three destroyed lamps.

There's been a lot of ads on TV lately for those robotic floor cleaners. It began with one that can vacuum, and now they have one that can mop for you. Being the fact that this is the year 2013, and many of us grew up watching The Jetsons, it's not unlikely to think that we should have robotic help when it comes to cleaning our homes. However, I didn't really want to spend the money on buying a robot just to mop for me, so I took the approach of a thrifty young man with an addiction to record collecting. I duct taped a sponge to the bottom of an RC car.

I sat down on the counter of my kitchen, and had the time of my life zooming an old Tyco around my floor. Did it work? Not really. Being the fact that it was just a sponge on the bottom of an RC car from 1994, and taking into fact that it hadn't been used in a good number of years, I managed to just lightly shed off a small fraction of dirt from one corner of the kitchen. I broke out the old fashioned mop and went over the kitchen twice. I wanted things to stay mint till Thanksgiving, but I had to cook things before the big day. I'm just glad people thought I somehow knocked all of that saran wrap all over the floor.

You spend hours upon end in the days before Thanksgiving cleaning the house, only finding you have to do it again as soon as everyone leaves. It's always the sofa you have to worry about. Some aunt's husband or such will always fall asleep on it and drool on one of the pillows. It's a constant barrage of steaming and spot cleaning (Which, by the way, was the name of my undercover detective laundry agency show that NBC didn't pick up. Fools!).


Despite your cleaning desires, do not get too caught up in insuring your house is a spotless chamber of peace. People should feel warm and welcomed in your house, and not like they're eating in a museum. Thanksgiving is coming, and you're going to have a nice looking home to have it in—assuming you're hosting. If you're going to a house for Thanksgiving, just try not to drool on the furniture post meal.

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