Skip to main content

Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard

It began with soreness in the back of my throat on the right side. “Drainage, again” I thought to myself. As a perpetual sinus sufferer, this was nothing new to me. So I did what I always do at the first sign of any nasal activities. I took over the counter medication and didn't think any more of it. Usually it'll take a day or two then whatever it is that's invaded my nose will go away, but not this time. What I thought was just sinus turned into a full blown cold, and there was no sign it was getting better. The day after I went through four boxes of tissues in one day, I knew it was time to break down and see the doctor.

Early on a Saturday morning I went to the urgent care clinic. I walked in, went to the check in window, told them why I had arrived, and was given paperwork to fill out. Many people wanted to get in and get out early, so the place was full of about six or seven other people in various states of misery. I scanned the room and looked for a seat that was near the least populated area, then claimed it as my own. I began going over the paperwork, praying that I could remember all the various details of my medical data. It'd be a shame if I forgot I was allergic to something, then ended up running around town forcing people to listen to me sing “Heart of Glass” because I took the wrong meds.

As I sat there working on the paperwork, I heard the door open, and I looked up to see an interesting couple walk in. They were older people, she had one of those odd haircuts that makes you question who told her that it was a good idea. He, well, he looked like an overly tan, sleazy version of Marvel comics impresario Stan Lee. His hair was thinning on the top, so he had grown it out on the sides to compensate. He wore dark sunglasses, with a button up shirt on with the upper three buttons undone. This was not the Stan Lee type you'd expect to see cameo in an Avengers movie. This was the Stan Lee that drove a windowless van and handed out Spider-Man comics laced with narcotics.

Creepy Stan Lee had the cadence of Jack Nicholson, but not the voice. It was an accent of a distinctly northern origin, but deep and husky. He'd sometimes let the ends of his words linger as he talked to the nurse at the reception desk. “Heyyyyy” he'd begin, “I was here last week and-uhhhhhhh, I'm still not over this, thinggggggg, whatever it is.” He'd try to joke as he got more paperwork to fill out “Ohhhhhh, I love paperwork. Guess I get a car at the end of thisssssssss?” Sleazy Lee then began to find his seat in the waiting room, he was walking in my direction, and I began praying with all my might that he wouldn't sit next to me. Thankfully, at the last moment, he turned left, and sat four seats down from me.

Just four seats down, his presence was still un-nerving. “Heyyyyyy, what is it with this co-payyyyyy?” I could hear him say, while his lady friend spoke in a thick, southern accent, and did her best to explain the world of medicine to him. After turning my own paperwork in, I was thankful that I was quickly called back to see the doctor. Turns out it wasn't so much a cold as much as it was a sinus infection, I was given a regiment of steroids and antibiotics to take, which means I am now qualified to run for Governor of California (whooo! I'll be here all week, folks!). Slowly, but surely, I began to return to normal, and quickly forgot of creepy Stan Lee.


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Blue Christmas Lights

Despite all the tinsel and glow, all the shinny faces and families rushing around in their SUVs and minivans, Christmas can be a difficult time of the year for some people. An example? Recently a friend of mine was talking about grocery shopping with her husband and children. She came across the seasonal display of Little Debbie cakes, and began to pick up two boxes to mail to her grandfather. Upon putting them in the cart, she remembered that her grandfather passed away this year, she quietly, and sadly, placed the boxes back on the shelf.
Before you get me wrong, I'm not hating on Christmas. I love this time of the year, genuinely, not in a “Up next on the Donnie and Marie Christmas Special is Andy Ross and he's gonna read that off some cue cards” way. I suppose why I feel a need to talk about this, is that I felt a little down last Christmas. It was odd, I didn't even feel enthusiastic about making my annual Christmas Mix CD, which has become something people actually…

Convincing Yourself You're Good.

I have Imposter Syndrome. Imposter Syndrome is that feeling that what you do isn't good enough, and that someone is gonna eventually figure out how woefully unqualified you are and kick you to the curb. One of the traits of my personality that I dislike is that I am way too hard on myself. Seriously, give my mind an inch and I will somehow figure out that I am the sole person responsible for the world's troubles.

Having Imposter Syndrome is kind of like playing the game Werewolf. My friends and I play a version of the game called One Night Ultimate Werewolf, in the game each player picks a card that gives them a specific role, either a villager or a werewolf, and the villagers all have distinct roles that they play on top of that--special abilities and the like. The object of the game is two fold, if you're a werewolf, you don't wanna be caught. If you're a village, you wanna catch the werewolves. Imposter Syndrome makes you feel like you're always in the role…

Seduction My Way

With Valentine’s Day next week many are starting to make plans for what they will do with their lover. Lately I’ve been getting numerous tweets asking me “Andy, you’re a well known stud muffin, what can I do to make Valentine’s Day most memorable?” Since I have much to say on this topic, I thought I’d take time this week and share my advice for a most special February 14th. 
Now you may have read that last paragraph and thought to yourself “Andy, I have no lover, why did you write something useless for me!?” Don’t worry friend, I got you. If you need a pick up a line to score the date of your dreams, simply get up the courage to walk up the one you’ve been dreaming about, take a deep breath, and tell them the following. “Hey, do you wanna fall over a cliff in love with me? ‘Cause I’m the yodeling guy from Price is Right and you just incorrectly guessed the price of a toaster oven.” Never fails. 
Now comes the task of picking the right restaurant for the date. At this late time, finding …