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Things We Said Today


It's an increasingly strange phenomena, that moment when you're speaking to someone that you're attracted to, and your brain decides to just shut down all sectors that house the entirety of the known English language. Your brain playing a horrible trick, in that the moment you've said some incredibly asinine thing to someone lovely, it immediately snaps back into action, and somewhat like a scalded puppy dog, looks at you and says “what have you done?”

Picture a dinner table, a few small plates of food, drinks. All very casual, all very informal. Let's say that I'm at this table with close friends, and we're talking about movies. Let's then say that the conversation comes around to Alfred Hitchcock, and I'm asked something about the way Hitchcock knew how to use color in his films. I'd imagine I might give a response that sounds something like the following: “Hitchcock was a master at knowing how to make a color pallet work on film, even when he was shooting in black and white. He could have made Psycho in color if he wanted, but he chose to shoot it in black and white, as he knew it would serve the story better.”

Now let's imagine this exact same scene, only instead of dinner with friends, I'm on a date with someone I fancy. Everything is the same, only two people, but the conversation has come around to Hitchcock. What follows is the same as I said above, only tainted with the brain glaze over being around someone I like: “Hitchcock make pictures look real purdy. I like Jell-O.” As my date looks at me as if I just changed into a diaper full of cole slaw, I slowly start to realize that I did not make words sound good. I don't know why, but this is something that happens.

I read something on the interwebs—which as we all know is a totes reliable fount of information—that when you're looking or talking to someone you find attractive, your eyes dilate. First off, I'm sorry Dr. Jennings, that dilation every time I have my eyes checked is all on you, not me. But secondly, if your eyes dilate when you're interacting with someone you like, maybe that's what your brain does. I've talked to classrooms full of students before in a very eloquent manner, but then on a date, my brain suddenly finds the complexity of Green Eggs and Ham to be tasking.

This is why I always take a first date to one of the restaurants where I am a regular and on very good terms with the staff. I have a usual table there, and it sits across from a flatscreen TV that usually has some type of sports on it. On date nights, there are no sports on this TV, as things are set so that my date can not see the TV, but I can, and it serves as a sort of flash card system. While we talk, and I find myself desperately trying to be charming, on the screen will flash some prepared conversation topics that I've written well into advance of the date.


As the appetizers are brought forth, the screen might say something like “Ask about that NON EXPLOSIVE POLITICAL ISSUE.” As I wonder if maybe I could recommend something she would like off the seafood section of the menu, the screen reads “Is allergic to shellfish.” It's a failsafe system, and so far it's only confused a third of the patrons who are also in the restaurant on my date nights. This is how I am fighting the battle of brain glaze when on a date. Maybe, just possibly, one day I'll find myself able to wrap my head around Hop on Pop while on a date.

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