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Showing posts from December, 2014

Predictions for 2015

Much like the amazing Criswell at the start of Ed Wood's masterpiece “Plan 9 From Outer Space,” I have myself filled with a need to tell you about the future, for that is where you and I will spend the rest of our lives. So as we find ourselves saying goodbye to 2014 and hello to 2015, I would like to take some time to present a short list of predictions I have for the coming year, including (insert whichever reference to “Back To The Future, Part Two” you want here).
Cheese will become a powerful weapon, but only in the war for morning network TV supremacy. Scientists will be shocked when they discover that he most reliable source of renewable energy is the discarded underwear of Canadian Prime Ministers. Wearing chaps without pants will become more socially acceptable. People who refer to bottle feeding their newborns as “getting milk drunk” will be banned from the internet. The Geico Gekko will be revealed to have actually been James Franco the entire time…

A Christmas Newsletter: 2014

Dear loved ones,
It's that magical time of the year again, that time when we all come together to embrace our fellow humans in a warm embrace that only slightly reeks of scotch. I'm sitting in our den by the tree, typing this out on my tablet. The four year old is playing underneath the tree, and so far hasn't managed to open up any of the gifts that are already under the tree. This year I was very proactive in keeping spying hands from opening up anything. I covered everything in a thin layer of concrete. The sounds of Christmas morning will now include hammers and chisels.
I drove a float in the parade again this year, it was for Uncle Bob's Tofu Hut and we tossed out free samples of their mint flavored tofu to the crowd. I think it confused people, everyone seemed to think it was some type of congealed snow material. The parade was quite good this year, my driving was again excellent! I'm glad it wasn't another repeat of the “Pizza Hut Crash” of 2007,…

The Christmas That Almost Wasn't, But Was, Though Not Quite, But In The End Was

It was the perfect winter morning in the perfect town square in the perfect hometown of my youth. I was arriving back to my hometown for Christmas, fresh off a taxi cab ride and full of my harden cynical big city life ways. I was coming home for a few days of home cooking, and homespun wisdom from people who looked vaguely like actors from popular 1980s sitcoms. My heart was despondent as right before I left the cold hard city for the warm bosom of hometown, my beloved AV Receiver in my home theater had died. The home theater doubles as my music room, and I was unable to play records, which was making me go cray cray.
After I arrived home and was greeted by the hugs of my loved ones, an act that began to warm the now cold dead rock that is my heart, we all rushed out to the local diner ran by a fellow who looked like Ernest Borgnine. As we sat at the counter and talked to everyone who had ever known me since conception, comments were had of how I was no longer a young scamp, but had…

A Public Geeking Out over Batman

I love Batman. I have been a Batman fan for so long, that I have no memory of a time in which I wasn't a fan of The Dark Knight. My childhood bedroom was covered in Batman. A poster of Michael Keaton as Batman was on the wall, below that was my giant plush Batman, which sat in a custom made Batman chair that my Godparents had made for me. All of this rested next to my bed, which was covered in Batman bedsheets, and a Batman bed spread, near my Batman Converse sneakers, not too far from my stash of Batman toys.
The first movie I was obsessed with was Tim Burton's original “Batman” movie. I wore out a VHS tape of it. It's been said that the version of Batman that to you IS Batman is the one that you grew up with. To me, there are three versions of Batman that make up my idea of what Batman is. The first are the two Tim Burton movies. The second is the practically flawless “Batman: The Animated Series” from the '90s. Third, is the version of Batman that I was first e…