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A Christmas Newsletter: 2014

Dear loved ones,

It's that magical time of the year again, that time when we all come together to embrace our fellow humans in a warm embrace that only slightly reeks of scotch. I'm sitting in our den by the tree, typing this out on my tablet. The four year old is playing underneath the tree, and so far hasn't managed to open up any of the gifts that are already under the tree. This year I was very proactive in keeping spying hands from opening up anything. I covered everything in a thin layer of concrete. The sounds of Christmas morning will now include hammers and chisels.

I drove a float in the parade again this year, it was for Uncle Bob's Tofu Hut and we tossed out free samples of their mint flavored tofu to the crowd. I think it confused people, everyone seemed to think it was some type of congealed snow material. The parade was quite good this year, my driving was again excellent! I'm glad it wasn't another repeat of the “Pizza Hut Crash” of 2007, I'm still dealing with the legal fees from that one. Back home on the farm, it had managed to snow suddenly and the kids wanted to build a snowman. They've seen “Frozen” so many times that's all they think about. Incidentally, I've seen “Frozen” so many times that at breakfast at McDonald's the other day, I started to get dark thoughts while looking at the plastic knife that came with my hotcakes.

My team and I finished filming last night on a Christmas special that will air next year, “Andy's Country Christmas Celebration,” and it will be spectacular. During the part where we recreated “The Nutcracker” with celery and carrots, I began to have one of my spectacular freak outs. I began to fire people left and right, and was only subdued when my assistant stepped in began forcing a tank full of laughing gas on me. I recanted all the firings and gave everyone a bonus. It's such a blessing to know that those who work for you both love and fear you equally.

This year we're not spending Christmas on the farm, we're going upstate to another farm. The kids are not too happy about it, but the farm is on a vineyard and that makes the wife very happy. We've both had such a great year with my careers, we can't simply say enough about it. My books all sold well over tens of copies, and her career in managing frozen food deliveries for post modern families in a neo modern setting has been going decent. The kids schoolings are going well too. Little Percefeney has become a wiz in her Little Miss Ballet class. Percefeney's teacher is quite progressive too, I never thought I'd see a group of six year old Ballet to “When Doves Cry.”

Time to wrap it dear loved ones, I hope you have a lovely Christmas season with you and your family. Enclosed you'll find a picture of us all at the beach. Hope you enjoy it.

Merry Merry,

 Andrew Loyd Evelyn Williamson Junior Johnson Ross


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