Skip to main content

Mr. Ross Requests


Thanks to my numerous speaking engagements across the country, the organization that is AndyCo has become a mighty beast. As such, I have reached the stage in which a rider is now required. A rider is a list of requests and demands that an important artist like myself needs in order to perform at optimal quality. Since my booking office has been overwhelmed with requests, I've decided to make my rider public so everyone can know what they're getting in to. Personally, I don't think my requests are all too strange or out of the ordinary. All together, they make a very simple list of requirements that anyone who is running around the country would ask for. The following is copied verbatim from my rider.

Mr. Ross requests that fresh towels, color of blue, are on hand for every performance. No more than five, no less than three.

Mr. Ross REQUIRES that Evian bottled water be on hand, chilled to an exact 45 degrees fahrenheit. It is also required that this water be delivered to Mr. Ross when he calls for it by a grandmother of three, who firmly believes that the New York Times crossword puzzle is a conspiracy to take away her medication. This is non negotiable.

It is requested that a school choir learn the entirety of Issac Hayes' classic album “Hot Buttered Soul” and be on hand to sing it at the drop of a hat. The hat will be dropped by a member of Mr. Ross's team, known as “The Hat Dropper.”

Mr. Ross needs a room to relax in post show, this room must be kept at 74 degrees, contain a record player, and a tub full of granola and yogurt. The venue must also provide a fresh copy of Monopoly to be played post show as well. This game will be destroyed after completion, Mr. Ross has no wish for you to profit by selling it on eBay.

The green room should have a bowl full of twinkies in it. However, it is required that these twinkies be only the ones that are directly below the logo on the package. If it is found out that any non-logo covered twinkies have been included, all hell will break loose.

No one is allowed to make direct eye contact with Mr. Ross. God help you if any of your venue staff does this.

Mr. Ross will only greet backstage guests half an hour after performance, only while resting on a fainting couch.

There you all have it, a little look at the very reasonable demands I have for my art. So far the venues have been great about keeping up with my rider, I've only had to sue three of them. Good times, good times. See you on the road!  

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Blue Christmas Lights

Despite all the tinsel and glow, all the shinny faces and families rushing around in their SUVs and minivans, Christmas can be a difficult time of the year for some people. An example? Recently a friend of mine was talking about grocery shopping with her husband and children. She came across the seasonal display of Little Debbie cakes, and began to pick up two boxes to mail to her grandfather. Upon putting them in the cart, she remembered that her grandfather passed away this year, she quietly, and sadly, placed the boxes back on the shelf.
Before you get me wrong, I'm not hating on Christmas. I love this time of the year, genuinely, not in a “Up next on the Donnie and Marie Christmas Special is Andy Ross and he's gonna read that off some cue cards” way. I suppose why I feel a need to talk about this, is that I felt a little down last Christmas. It was odd, I didn't even feel enthusiastic about making my annual Christmas Mix CD, which has become something people actually…

Convincing Yourself You're Good.

I have Imposter Syndrome. Imposter Syndrome is that feeling that what you do isn't good enough, and that someone is gonna eventually figure out how woefully unqualified you are and kick you to the curb. One of the traits of my personality that I dislike is that I am way too hard on myself. Seriously, give my mind an inch and I will somehow figure out that I am the sole person responsible for the world's troubles.

Having Imposter Syndrome is kind of like playing the game Werewolf. My friends and I play a version of the game called One Night Ultimate Werewolf, in the game each player picks a card that gives them a specific role, either a villager or a werewolf, and the villagers all have distinct roles that they play on top of that--special abilities and the like. The object of the game is two fold, if you're a werewolf, you don't wanna be caught. If you're a village, you wanna catch the werewolves. Imposter Syndrome makes you feel like you're always in the role…

Seduction My Way

With Valentine’s Day next week many are starting to make plans for what they will do with their lover. Lately I’ve been getting numerous tweets asking me “Andy, you’re a well known stud muffin, what can I do to make Valentine’s Day most memorable?” Since I have much to say on this topic, I thought I’d take time this week and share my advice for a most special February 14th. 
Now you may have read that last paragraph and thought to yourself “Andy, I have no lover, why did you write something useless for me!?” Don’t worry friend, I got you. If you need a pick up a line to score the date of your dreams, simply get up the courage to walk up the one you’ve been dreaming about, take a deep breath, and tell them the following. “Hey, do you wanna fall over a cliff in love with me? ‘Cause I’m the yodeling guy from Price is Right and you just incorrectly guessed the price of a toaster oven.” Never fails. 
Now comes the task of picking the right restaurant for the date. At this late time, finding …