You may have heard recent news that a certain “magical kingdom,” a certain “happiest place on earth” is coming out with a new section of their famed themed park. Oh, you know darn well what the new section is. A new land based on that place from “a long time ago” that one. The one with the ships and the “galaxy far far away.” Yes. The rumors are true, I’m collaborating with imagineers for “Andy Ross’s Anxiety Land” theme park!
Anxiety Land is the type of theme park I’ve always been thinking about, because I can’t think about anything else. Taking the overactive brain traffic of day to day life, and turning them into fun family thrill rides has been quite an adventure—three years in the making! It’s more than just rides, there’s exhibits in fancy pavilions too! My favorite is the one that sure to be popular with everyone, “Things You Said In High School That Still Haunt You.” Get there early to avoid crowds!
I know what you’re thinking: “Andy, what kind of self respecting theme park is this? Where are the rides, man!?” Fear not, we have rides at Anxiety Land! We have a thrill ride of a rollercoaster called “Online Dating.” Our roller coaster has a different experience each time you ride, randomly chosen by the mood of the day. This factor causes the custom in-ride soundtrack to be either moody Adele songs, or gonna-get-it-on Marvin Gaye tunes! It’s going to be a roller coaster you’ll tell your friends about.
One of my favorite rides is our life sized board game adventure “Crowded Shopping Mall.” You’ll start in the food court, roll the giant novelty dice and see if you’re the first to make it all the way to the exit in the Belk’s! Avoid traps such as the public bathroom, where you’ll hide out for a turn. Be careful to not engage with a kiosk shop owner, that will send you back to start. We’re really proud of this attraction, and I can’t wait for the spin off game from Parker Brothers!
I hope the ride we’ll be most known for, is our innovative choose your own adventure styled “Extended Family Dinner.” In this attraction, styled as an interactive video game, you’ll ride along in your buggy with a laser cannon you can use to shoot down topics you’re trying to avoid talking about. You only have split seconds to knock away “family member who supports Donald Trump” or “Evasive questions about your love life.” Failure to do so, will cause a most awkward meal indeed.
Naturally, all theme parks need that one ride that gives you a true jolt, and ours is one that might be the most terrifying ride ever devised. “Crowded Elevator” is a ride in which you must endure 20 minutes of an elevator that slowly gets filled with more and more people. Will all the weight cause the elevator to suddenly stop? Will there be a power outage? Will someone break wind and blame it on you? What’s that smell? It’s all there in “Crowded Elevator.” We warn you though, this ride is not for the weak of heart.
More is sure to be announced as the plans are still being finalized for Anxiety Land. We’ve not picked all the food vendors yet, but trust me, there will be plenty of options for food. We’re also thinking of putting in a “zen booth” which allows you to clear your mind from all the anxious thoughts for a few moments. Ground breaking is expected to begin in late Summer with an opening targeted for Fall 2017. Hope to see you there! “Andy Ross’s Anxiety World” is sure to become the most popular theme park the world has ever seen…and may cause sales of Xanax to go up tremendously.