With Valentine’s Day next week many are starting to make plans for what they will do with their lover. Lately I’ve been getting numerous tweets asking me “Andy, you’re a well known stud muffin, what can I do to make Valentine’s Day most memorable?” Since I have much to say on this topic, I thought I’d take time this week and share my advice for a most special February 14th.
Now you may have read that last paragraph and thought to yourself “Andy, I have no lover, why did you write something useless for me!?” Don’t worry friend, I got you. If you need a pick up a line to score the date of your dreams, simply get up the courage to walk up the one you’ve been dreaming about, take a deep breath, and tell them the following. “Hey, do you wanna fall over a cliff in love with me? ‘Cause I’m the yodeling guy from Price is Right and you just incorrectly guessed the price of a toaster oven.” Never fails.
Now comes the task of picking the right restaurant for the date. At this late time, finding a restaurant that isn’t booked may be tricky. It could, after all, be more impressive if you prepare a meal for your date yourself. Grocery stores are always open and stocked. You don’t even have to go all out, a simple meal of Chicken Parmesan at home will be appreciated. Should you go this route make sure your home is clean and has a good seductive aroma. I recommend frying an entire pound of bacon before the sun goes down. Nothing says torrid love like the smell of crisp bacon.
House thoroughly baconized, you should have meal prep just underway as your date arrives. Your date should be greeted with a lite appetizer. When they arrive immediately greet them with a soft senusality, and lead them over to a bubbling pot of fondue with a whole loaf of fresh bread. Nothing says bristling eroticism like ripping apart fresh bread with your bare animal hands, then dipping it into hot cheese.
As you serve the meal you’ve so lovingly prepared, whisper sweet nothings into the ear of your lover. My favorite is to lean in close and say “I’d like to take you to a beautiful weekend in Waco, Texas.” With your stomachs and hearts full of cheese, Chicken Parm, and romance, comes the time for the closer of the meal. You serve dessert, and it’s a most rich and sensious dark chocolate moose.
Now is the time where I drop out and you take over, I can’t help you with everything that comes after this--if I did this would be a “available from the back room” column. I have armed you with a sure fire guide for the most romantic and unforgettable Valentine’s Day of your life. Good luck out there, lovers. As for I? How will I spend Valentine’s Day? Oh, you know, just looking into the void that is online dating and questioning my life choices. Happy Loving!