Skip to main content

Seduction My Way

With Valentine’s Day next week many are starting to make plans for what they will do with their lover. Lately I’ve been getting numerous tweets asking me “Andy, you’re a well known stud muffin, what can I do to make Valentine’s Day most memorable?” Since I have much to say on this topic, I thought I’d take time this week and share my advice for a most special February 14th. 

Now you may have read that last paragraph and thought to yourself “Andy, I have no lover, why did you write something useless for me!?” Don’t worry friend, I got you. If you need a pick up a line to score the date of your dreams, simply get up the courage to walk up the one you’ve been dreaming about, take a deep breath, and tell them the following. “Hey, do you wanna fall over a cliff in love with me? ‘Cause I’m the yodeling guy from Price is Right and you just incorrectly guessed the price of a toaster oven.” Never fails. 

Now comes the task of picking the right restaurant for the date. At this late time, finding a restaurant that isn’t booked may be tricky. It could, after all, be more impressive if you prepare a meal for your date yourself. Grocery stores are always open and stocked. You don’t even have to go all out, a simple meal of Chicken Parmesan at home will be appreciated. Should you go this route make sure your home is clean and has a good seductive aroma. I recommend frying an entire pound of bacon before the sun goes down. Nothing says torrid love like the smell of crisp bacon. 

House thoroughly baconized, you should have meal prep just underway as your date arrives. Your date should be greeted with a lite appetizer. When they arrive immediately greet them with a soft senusality, and lead them over to a bubbling pot of fondue with a whole loaf of fresh bread. Nothing says bristling eroticism like ripping apart fresh bread with your bare animal hands, then dipping it into hot cheese. 

As you serve the meal you’ve so lovingly prepared, whisper sweet nothings into the ear of your lover. My favorite is to lean in close and say “I’d like to take you to a beautiful weekend in Waco, Texas.” With your stomachs and hearts full of cheese, Chicken Parm, and romance, comes the time for the closer of the meal. You serve dessert, and it’s a most rich and sensious dark chocolate moose. 

Now is the time where I drop out and you take over, I can’t help you with everything that comes after this--if I did this would be a “available from the back room” column. I have armed you with a sure fire guide for the most romantic and unforgettable Valentine’s Day of your life. Good luck out there, lovers. As for I? How will I spend Valentine’s Day? Oh, you know, just looking into the void that is online dating and questioning my life choices. Happy Loving! 


Popular posts from this blog

Where The Blues Are

I come to you again this week with another pair of blu-rays from those master celluloid handlers at Warner Archive. First up we have 1960’s “Where The Boys Are,” a defining teen picture of the era by MGM, and the film largely responsible for kicking off the whole cycle of 1960s beach films. The other is 1955’s “Pete Kelly’s Blues” a film starring, produced, and directed by Jack Webb--TV’s Joe Friday. Part of a deal Webb had made with Warner Brothers when he was setting up the original big screen version of “Dragnet” in the ‘50s. 
“Where The Boys Are” was set for the screen before the book it was based on had been released. Producer Joe Pasternak snatched up the rights to the book by Glendon Swarthout, which was originally titled “Unholy Spring.” Pasternak, strongly feeling “Where The Boys Are” would be the better title, persuaded Swarthout to change the book’s title. Pasternak also felt he could use the film as a starring vehicle for one of the stars of MGM’s record label, Connie Franc…

Red, White, and Blaine

In 1996 Christopher Guest returned to the mockumentary genre with his look at regional theater “Waiting for Guffman.” Guest, most famously, being one-third of the fictional rock band Spinal Tap in the perhaps the best mockumentary ever made, “This is Spinal Tap.” “Guffman” also kicks off the cycle of Christopher Guest directed mockumentaries. The films all using the same group of actors, and all written by Guest with Eugene Levy, both of whom also act in the films. Guest’s films are largely improved by the actors, with the written material serving as an outline for the film’s story.

“Guffman” takes place in the fictional town of Blaine, Missouri—a small town that is celebrating its 150th anniversary. Big dreamer and New York Transplant, Corky St. Clair (Guest) has created a musical celebration of the town called “Red, White, and Blaine.” The show within the show appears towards the end of the film, Guest teamed up with his "Spinal Tap” cohorts, Michael McKean & Harry Shearer, …


Picture it! Scilly, 1922! OK, actually Andy Ross’s Childhood Bedroom 1993. I had been given as a gift the dream attachment for my beloved Sega Genesis, the amazing Sega CD. For those of you young children who have only grown up in the era of XBox and Playstation, it may seem strange that there was once a time when the idea of playing a video game off of a compact disc was mind blowing. But it was, and I was fully ready to have my mind blown. To use a slogan of Sega’s ads of the era, I was ready to enter “The Next Level.”

The Sega CD model I had was the second one, the smaller model designed to go with the slimmer Genesis that had been introduced to the market. I had the first Genesis, the larger one, but the Sega CD came with an extension block that allowed it to partner it on the original model. You attached the Sega CD to your Genesis by a special connector on the side of system. The Sega CD came with a game to get you going, as was the norm with gaming systems at the time. The game …